Wednesday, September 10, 2008

One two ka bore, four two ka none - PART I

i am in the process of developing a rating system for the future. trials are on to perfect it, so that i may be able to patent it by 2062 and buy that wheelchair that goes 55 miles per hour, runs on the calcium my bones lose everyday, stores the potty and and is eco-friendly for it is guided in the dark by my glow-in-the-dark dentures.

here are some early samples from the prototype stage. afraid that i can't share with you HOW my team (that would be my ego, id and super-ego) reached these wonderful conclusions (its still being developed, remember?).... so here goes, in ascending order (first the worst, last the best and all in between are a viper's nest) :

Openability of ketchup sachets
  • McDonald's (worst than their iced tea)
  • KFC (better than the veg meal..... hello WHAT is THAT?!)
  • Hall's (yeah, probably marketed by the lozenges guys to give you a raging sore throat which they can then cure)
  • Heinz (better, no teeth involved, and perhaps why the heir's hubby the toothless Kerry lost)
  • Our cafe's cottage industry by-products, tied in smelly polythene bags! (oh, pour some kaddu ketchup on me...)
Maximum Irritability from unwanted Song Hummability aka they-play-in-my-head-just-because-i-hate-them
  • Luuurcky boy, you're my luuurcky boy from Bachna... (unfortunate luck in topping charts, and kinda' growing on me now)
  • Umberrrelllaa ae ae eh by Rihanna (won't share this umbrella even in a nuclear storm!)
  • You're so beautiful (i'd risk being ugly, just to avoid being reminded by this song! really.)
  • Signaaaaal, pyaar ka signaaaaaal from some movie i've staked all on not to remember (just skip the traffic light, baby, and drive far far away from this one!)
Best gyaan written on backside (of Indian public transport, silly!)
  • Buri nazar wale tera bhee bhala (cho chweet. a regular Gandhian. turnin' the other butt cheek)
  • Hum do aur hamare do (acchha yaar, red aur blue wali teri, black aur white wali meri)
  • Dulhan hee dahej hai (aur jo yeh kahe woh sabsa tez hai!)
  • Latak mat, patak doongi (all-time personal favourite, a badass DTC babe)
Most irritating salesmen in Dilli
  • The dude who sells men's hankies in KB/SN/Janpath/LN etc etc. dunno, just bugs the shit out of me.. he's this little pest who sidles up to you, time and again, and sort of is your constant companion on every shopping trip, accompanied by the naara-wala and the aluminium foil seller.
  • The encyclopaedia man who is out offering highly "discounted" parallel education nonpareil and can be seen lurking where those who bunk school/work gather in large numbers, ie. multiplexes, near shoopping arcades)
  • The churan guy in Def Col. I mean, he got away with blackmailing me into buying (and then charitably distributing) stinky smelling stuff for years. he's old, and he hangs out till late catching satiated diners and weaving drunkards and sells his stuff by appealing to their wasteful habits which he feels should make natural room for just that one churan packet he has spent his golden old age in perfecting. i'm over the wily old wheedler now. tip: just DON'T make eye-contact.
  • A "women's delicates" salesman i had the distinct fortune of encountering during my own delicate teenage years, but who has left an indelible impact on my ...ummm... girly shopping.. forever! after lecherously telling me to feel the "sopt matrial" as demonstrated by his wandering fingers (yes, he did say "sopt"), he proceeded to look me up and down and advise me to buy a slutty pair as it would "look good", all this after stuffing cotton wool into a particularly hideous specimen to emphasise its ...ummm.. "generous" appeal. i hid behind my mom for years after that, and continue to glare even those saleswomen down who are only there to help me find that perfect fit! as you can see, i could go on and on for this one... i'm scarred for life.
and on that happy note, i must get back to work. watch this space for more, while i go back to my lab now that that other lab on the Franco-Swiss border has failed to end the world ... yet.

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