Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A re-incarnation that deserves death. now!

I am in pain... of the searing physical variety. No, i'm not hurt or bleeding or anything, though for a while i was afraid i might just vacate my buzzing brain and self-inflict some serious damage on the windows to my soul... oh, my eyes... oh, oh... and oh... the things that they have seen!

Why all the drama, you may ask? Well because, last evening, while idly swapping channels i chanced upon the trailer of the new Karrz. Or was it Karzz? Karrzz? Whatever. It cannot be allowed to be reborn. It must die. While my heart twisted at cap-less Himesh Reshammiya's resham-straight locks, it nearly stopped at the words "Monty is back".

Noooooo...!! There are a lot of reasons why they absolutely CANNOT remake one of the best films that Bollyland produced. ever. to present my case, i list a few here, chosen from about a thousand:

  • Monty is reborn as a rich Marwari (yes, again) and is happily living with Tina; is close to the top of the Fortune 500 list, runs marathons to keep the images of previous lives at bay, probably owns half of India instead of a crummy guitar, dons designerwear instead of dhinchakk monkey suits and now the happy couple have an enviable line-up of luxury sedans with no place in their multi-level garage for beat-up murderous jeeps... besides, they own a jet for that odd trip out.
  • The prim and pristine Simi (aka Kamini) ain't gonna be happy being re-born as a screaming Bhoot, who walks the world of the living as Ms Urmila Matondkar
  • Pinky ( in her pre-grieving sister of Ravi Verma avatar) might have to forgo her pink frilly frocks (what will we call her then?)
  • Ba, the much in demand dudette, is too busy doing the telly rounds to be reborn as the eternally suffereing Verma family matriarch... besides, for that you need to die first, right? and Ba's nowhere close to kkkkkkickin' the bucket at a 1043 years... when i last checked.
  • In the age of the well-groomed metrosexual, how will they ever find anyone with a wild profusion of body hair to soak in a tub with a firang madam, like our bezubaan badmaash Sir Juda from the original?
  • Unless they re-sing the original, there ain't another song that can give you goosebumps like "Ek Hasina Thi"... tilting frames, shadowy characters enacting the crime backscreen, Rishi's accusing eyes, Simi's horror from a dozen different camera angles, Honeymooning jeeps, and some really intense guitar playing by The Monty of mint chocolate chip dreams. From which you think you have the right to wake me up rudely with a Himesh? shudder! shudder!!
But in any case, if, despite all my efforts, this Karrzzzzzzzzzzzzz is repaid, the producers might like to answer a few questions for me, like how Sir Juda (a filmi take on Judas?) lost his tongue, and whether he has patented that very unique form of "tinkling" communication yet. Like who knighted him in the first place? The Queen? Did she not stop to think that all that fuzz on his chest and arms might be hiding a device to blow Buckingham Palace to bits? Like, were you allowed to get married in a school uniform back then? Or how did grown up college kids, of an obviously very marrriageable age, get away with wearing candy coloured frockies?

As the questions swirl about my mind like Sir Juda's hair filled jacuzzi, it's all too much for poor, in-grievous-shock me. I must hurry home, disconnect the television showing promos of the new and re-connect with the old.... better not put on the music while i'm on my way, all driving in the movie was horribly, fatally, tilted... jeep over man, man under jeep, wife over jeep, re-born man over remorseful ex?wife, and so on... for, i am not ready to be re-born unless i am personally guaranteed that i can get to keep my avatar from Second Life. But i know what i will be humming if anyone dares honk at me tonight:

roo ru rooo roooo, roo ru rooo roooo, roo ru roo roo rooooooo....

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