Friday, October 9, 2009

Don't be a chicken... cross the damn road, will ya!


A few answers to that eternal question "Why did the chicken cross the road?" from the men and women working towards making the world a better place for all creatures:

  • Rahul Gandhi: I have asked our state units to induct chickens en masse into the party, so that they can take my message across the street after they have crossed it safely. No, there are no Dalit chickens that I know of. I love cuddling them all.
  • Mayawati: I am ordering my men to erect my statues on all busy thoroughfares, so that the chickens may hop from (my) handbag to (my) handbag till they have crossed over safely.
  • Raj Thackeray: Chicken is an English word... I will NOT have these alien creatures hopping across the roads of Mumbai! Jai Balasaheb.... err, i mean, Maharashtra!
  • Karan Johar: I apoliogise to all chickens who have been offended by anything I might have said that might amount to their motives being called into question. My next movie will be a heartwarming story of a chicken's undying love for the road. It will be set in "Mumbai". (Did you guys get that?) Rajji will be there to bless us at the muhurat. Only chai will be served. What's Koffee?
  • Maneka Gandhi: Karan Johar is making a movie with real, live chickens! Is the cast vegetarian?
  • Shilpa Shetty: I'm a veggie, and can balance a bhindi on my washboard tummy. I would like to invite all you chickens to participate in a new reality show being produced by my bankfriend... uh, I mean, my boyfriend...uh, fiance... Raj Tundra... uh, Kundra. In the end, the chicken that can cheer the loudest for Rajasthan Royals will be ferried safely across the road in my new car.
  • Ratan Tata: For every 100 Nanos I sell, I will give one to chickens so that they may never have to cross roads on foot again.
  • Medha Patkar: Dam the chickens! Uh, I mean don't build dams... so that all chickens may swim freely to the other side.
  • Shah Rukh Khan: Kkkaunsa chicken? Kkkahan?
  • Salman Khan: There's a chicken on the road? Screeeeeech..... Oh shit!
  • Aamir Khan: Chickens sometimes cross roads. DON'T KILL THE CHICKEN. It was SRK all along. Don't kill.....
now I'm bored and there's work to do... ok, end of timeout... so, over and out. More later if I feel inspired (or bored) enough.

PS: Look at Aamir's glistening six-pack, and remember to drive safely, y'all!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Tattle for the sexes


Who can forget Meg Ryan's very real tribute to the fake orgasm in When Harry Met Sally, or its slightly varied encore by Katherine Heigl in The Hard Truth? Now, if that wasn't enough for men and women to sit up and take notice (for different reasons, obviously), here's something from The Guardian today that made me smile -- nay, giggle -- while primly pretending to read the NYT on weather forecasts...no, atmospheric pressure rules... no, climate change negotiations, methinks.

A rather hilarious article about a new, (revolutionary?) book tells us Why women have sex. And the reasons, girls, are a total of 237 (an odd number and, yes, like the author of the delightful piece, I gave up trying to decode its significance).
Here's a sample (lines in quotes are hers, the rest -- all brackets included -- is just me):

  • for "genetic" and "resource benefits" (so you'd sleep with a misogynistic hot dog and, if his boys don't swim fast enough, you're likely to run off and marry a celery stick of an accountant with that mansion in the suburbs)...
EXHIBIT A, my lord: "Jane Eyre, I think, can be read as a love letter to a big house." and B: "that is how Bill Clinton got sex, despite his astonishing resemblance to a moving potato. It also explains why Vladimir Putin has become a sex god and poses topless with his fishing rod."

(Yessss, of course... that is why you don't hear starving Russian matrons complain, do ya?! The men? They's still taken to gulags)
  • for charity... "women 'for the most part, are the ones who give soup to the sick, cookies to the elderly and . . . sex to the forlorn'."
  • (Ahh! men are still milking that lost-puppy-needs-a-warm-bed-and-loving-care routine! did i hear you say dog?)
  • for love... "Love is apparently a form of 'long-term commitment insurance' that ensures your mate is less likely to leave you, should your legs fall off or your ovaries fall out." (sigh! how romantic...) simply put, "if people don't have love, terrible things can happen, in literature and life: "Cleopatra poisoned herself with a snake and Ophelia went mad and drowned."
  • to spread the joy... give men who might have/have the potential to break their hearts... STDs! and sundry other reasons to remember us by...
  • for loose change... promotions, money, drugs, revenge, a new car etc etc etc
  • to even the odds... Well, since "there isn't this huge pool of highly desirable men just sitting out there waiting for women", we girls make do somehow.others "liberate desirable men from other women? We 'mate poach'." and how do we do that? "We "compete to embody what men want" – high heels to show off our pelvises, lip-gloss to make men think about vaginas, and we see off our rivals with slander. We spread gossip – "She's easy!" – because that makes the slandered woman less inviting to men as a long-term partner."
And then here's a line that might make sense... or not: "Take that, Danielle Steele – you may think you live in 2009 but your genes are still in the stone age, with only chest hair between you and a bloody death."

Now, tell me, how many of you (women, of course) have sat wondering....why can't he see through her? She's just using him...? I'm guessing all of us at some point or the other...

But you know what? Men know they're being played, but the game is too addictive to give up. And why should they?

Its a neat little set up... the good girls get their heart broken by bad boys and marry the good guys. The bad boys finally tire of the bad girls, act all reformed and marry the good girls.
Then the good guys marry the bad girls, cos they make their bland life look cool...
Later, the bad girls and the bad boys sometimes break free from wedlock, get together again and in the end, the accountant FINALLY marries the behenji. THE END.

So, the bad boys and good girls and good boys and bad girls are back on the market and it all begins again....

Phew! That's all very well then. Now, before you start wondering about my affiliations in the story... don't. I'm still figuring it out for myself. Lemme see... hmmm... sometimes good is bad and the bad's the best.... and the bad is bad and the good beats the rest... or maybe not.. oh, forget it!

it's all good... who wants to know why?

But ladies, before we start celebrating these new revelations about our ability to be more men than men, (and men think they've finally figured out women), we should sneak a peek at the bottom line again: women still need a REASON to have sex.

Most men just need a woman.

PS: See, we had you all figured out ages ago :)

Friday, October 2, 2009

Anchors aweigh...


It's flashing on the screen, that frozen hue,
when new was old and the old anew.
The memory of a day long ago,
when about almost nothing there was much ado.

Skip to the part that I loved most,
when this silly heart ran from pillar to post;
and found the beat that matched its step;
swaying to song, more drunk than most.

The music's soured and so has the wine;
oh! my sorrow so sweet, my pain divine:
Must we part ways and not look back
to when I was yours and you were mine?

But the sunrise beckons, I must not stay;
let go, dark night, and don't think of me this way,
for I'll be leaving now and won't be back;
Anchors aweigh! anchors aweigh...