Monday, October 5, 2009

Tattle for the sexes


Who can forget Meg Ryan's very real tribute to the fake orgasm in When Harry Met Sally, or its slightly varied encore by Katherine Heigl in The Hard Truth? Now, if that wasn't enough for men and women to sit up and take notice (for different reasons, obviously), here's something from The Guardian today that made me smile -- nay, giggle -- while primly pretending to read the NYT on weather forecasts...no, atmospheric pressure rules... no, climate change negotiations, methinks.

A rather hilarious article about a new, (revolutionary?) book tells us Why women have sex. And the reasons, girls, are a total of 237 (an odd number and, yes, like the author of the delightful piece, I gave up trying to decode its significance).
Here's a sample (lines in quotes are hers, the rest -- all brackets included -- is just me):

  • for "genetic" and "resource benefits" (so you'd sleep with a misogynistic hot dog and, if his boys don't swim fast enough, you're likely to run off and marry a celery stick of an accountant with that mansion in the suburbs)...
EXHIBIT A, my lord: "Jane Eyre, I think, can be read as a love letter to a big house." and B: "that is how Bill Clinton got sex, despite his astonishing resemblance to a moving potato. It also explains why Vladimir Putin has become a sex god and poses topless with his fishing rod."

(Yessss, of course... that is why you don't hear starving Russian matrons complain, do ya?! The men? They's still taken to gulags)
  • for charity... "women 'for the most part, are the ones who give soup to the sick, cookies to the elderly and . . . sex to the forlorn'."
  • (Ahh! men are still milking that lost-puppy-needs-a-warm-bed-and-loving-care routine! did i hear you say dog?)
  • for love... "Love is apparently a form of 'long-term commitment insurance' that ensures your mate is less likely to leave you, should your legs fall off or your ovaries fall out." (sigh! how romantic...) simply put, "if people don't have love, terrible things can happen, in literature and life: "Cleopatra poisoned herself with a snake and Ophelia went mad and drowned."
  • to spread the joy... give men who might have/have the potential to break their hearts... STDs! and sundry other reasons to remember us by...
  • for loose change... promotions, money, drugs, revenge, a new car etc etc etc
  • to even the odds... Well, since "there isn't this huge pool of highly desirable men just sitting out there waiting for women", we girls make do somehow.others "liberate desirable men from other women? We 'mate poach'." and how do we do that? "We "compete to embody what men want" – high heels to show off our pelvises, lip-gloss to make men think about vaginas, and we see off our rivals with slander. We spread gossip – "She's easy!" – because that makes the slandered woman less inviting to men as a long-term partner."
And then here's a line that might make sense... or not: "Take that, Danielle Steele – you may think you live in 2009 but your genes are still in the stone age, with only chest hair between you and a bloody death."

Now, tell me, how many of you (women, of course) have sat wondering....why can't he see through her? She's just using him...? I'm guessing all of us at some point or the other...

But you know what? Men know they're being played, but the game is too addictive to give up. And why should they?

Its a neat little set up... the good girls get their heart broken by bad boys and marry the good guys. The bad boys finally tire of the bad girls, act all reformed and marry the good girls.
Then the good guys marry the bad girls, cos they make their bland life look cool...
Later, the bad girls and the bad boys sometimes break free from wedlock, get together again and in the end, the accountant FINALLY marries the behenji. THE END.

So, the bad boys and good girls and good boys and bad girls are back on the market and it all begins again....

Phew! That's all very well then. Now, before you start wondering about my affiliations in the story... don't. I'm still figuring it out for myself. Lemme see... hmmm... sometimes good is bad and the bad's the best.... and the bad is bad and the good beats the rest... or maybe not.. oh, forget it!

it's all good... who wants to know why?

But ladies, before we start celebrating these new revelations about our ability to be more men than men, (and men think they've finally figured out women), we should sneak a peek at the bottom line again: women still need a REASON to have sex.

Most men just need a woman.

PS: See, we had you all figured out ages ago :)

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