Wednesday, January 27, 2010

"Are you hurted?"

Yes. Very much. You see, my tummy hurted from loughing outs lowdly (aka lolz. hw i h8 tht trm!) and my eyeballses had lots of waters from gapping aghasted at the nuclear de-coupling on the idiotic box.

Sample this:
A Smug Man and a Skeptical Man start the evening by watching innocuous shots of Smug Man and Girl Friend (recorded voluntarily by Smug Man, without knowledge of Girl Friend) watching the sunset and cooing sweet nothings into each other's ears on a dimly lit balcony....

Later in a studio someplace, Skeptical Man turns on a video as Smug Man relinquishes smugness to gradually become Stunned Man. Skeptical Man slowly transforms into new Smug Man, watching big sweat rivulets that soon begin to drip from the horror-stricken, crushed, confused and near-crumpled mug of Stunned Man.
Cocky hope gives way to reluctant horror...

Meanwhile on a couch somewhere in the bowels of Saddi Dilli, Skeptical Woman chances upon yet another reality show on TV, not prepared to give an inch. They all suck, don't they? Ahh. Clearly, she is not prepared for what follows, for little does she know, her life is about to change forever.

Apparently, a decoy ("That Lucky Bastard", as some men might prefer to call him) has been sent to lure Girl Friend (in true MTV Bakra fashion), solely to convince all those poor sods who believe in happy endings that they are truly, and sadly, mistaken.

Now sample some sordid snatches:

That Lucky Bastard (in a car with hidden camera): Well, what am I to you?
Blah Blah Bakri: Why, you're my coochie coo, puppy doll, cho chweet baba.
TLB: So will you go to Dubai with me?
BBB: Abhi nahin.... do char mahine baad. 
TLB: Ok. So then, what do you want to do right now?
BBB: I want to [bleeeep] you.
TLB (with a leery smile, making sure the hidden mike catches it): You want to [bleeeep] me?
BBB: Yes. Why, you want me to say it again and again? I want to {bleeeep} you, I want to [bleeeep you]...come here nah, baba. 

She then proceeds to open his shirt buttons and kiss him lustily...
Well, I am no Mills and Boon fan or else this might have come out as "She drank in his musky scent and undoing the buttons on his crisp white shirt to reveal soft curly hair that only enhanced his rugged masculinity, ran her hand over his gleaming torso, raining sweet kisses that left a trail of fire in their wake...awakening long-buried feelings he had safely kept hidden in a dark corner of his shattered heart... ")

Ok, now hole on to that thought you sappy types. Real life doesn't work like that. Just to make sure we're clear about that, we go back on screen, where...

Slightly Less Smug and Semi-Apologetic Man is stealing pitying glances at what is now Super Stunned Man as the latter's glistening face gets even sweatier (while feeling quite self-satisfied about the guaranteed-to-raise-TRPs "real-life" act that's playing out on the cam). Three days worth of pre-recorded flashback ensues, as Stunned Man's dying love life flashes before his eyes...

"PppChhh....PpppppChhhhhh.... " sounds of slobbery kissing follow, shot at venues ranging from an indisticnt pub-type place, the car and Marine Drive, we presume, as a pixelated patch covers point of impact.

Stunned Man looks distinctly like he's wishing he'd never been born, or at least had never made the call that is now changing life-as-he-knows-it right before his unbelieving eyes...
And just about then Smug Man asks him an oh-so-terribly-redundant question, which I catch as the flashing subtitles on my screen.

Three words that will ring in our ears long after the screen has faded to black: "Are you hurted?"

Meanwhile, back home, Skeptical Woman is slowly turning into Stunned Woman off-screen, for she cannot believe she is already making a mental note to catch the next episode. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

On screen, things are moving towards a shattering climax... people with hand-held GPRS monitors are closing in on TLB and BBB, who are, as we watch, locked in an amorous embrace behind a suspicious-looking statue near a deserted swimming pool within a gated community of sorts, one of them blissfully unaware of impending doom. Well, TLB -- the all-knowing one -- obviously wants to make the most of these last few moments before his cover is blown. He grinds his face into BBB's.

The marching army is almost upon them. It includes a purposeful (visibly hurted and thus, angry and confused) Stunned Man, along with GPRS-wielding Smug Man.
Confrontation ensues. And everyone asks everyone else what they're doing there. Err...

BBB (shoving the hell out of TLB): What the fuck is this, huh? Answer me, dammit what the fuck is this? (And then she S-LA-P-S Stunned Man, who's trying to grope her now, or hold her or something)
Stunned Man: (Clumsily slapping her back, having lost the element of surprise with her first strike)
[Some gobbledygook about 'you two-timing something or other']
BBB: You loser! How dare you make my personal life public!! Who the fuck do you think you are? 
(and then to TLB, who is just smirking dumbly, looking a bit doozy) What the fuck is going on?
SM: [Some more ygdhygfhvhcf about you... you... you something or the other]
BBB: You're such a loser! I can't believe this! You had to go and get your pathetic life on TV... you loser! Fuck off! 

She stomps off. He shakes his head...runs his hands through hair atop a stunned head.
But then, ladies and gentlemen, the show must move on. And it does. Cut to the anchor, aka the Smuggest Man. If you think your partner or fiance might be cheating on you, you can call/mail/write to us, or phone into blahblah radio station and we will....

And I am left with these thoughts.
  • I can't believe I enjoyed watching this. What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm just like everyone else, I feed off the misery of others. (But a battle rages inside my head) Oh, come on, that chick was right. What losers! Don't people like this deserve what they get? 
  • So many ways to contact the makers of a TV show. And just the one to deal with your cheating partner? 
Well, that's Emotional Atyachar for you.

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