Thursday, January 7, 2010

Heyyyyy Mona....Oooooooh Mona!

That Craig McLachlan song I liked. But I never did see what the big deal was about the other, more famous Mona, the one of the Lisa frame...uh, fame. Still, like any other normal tourist in the world, I remember resigning myself to a serious lookabout for her in the Louvre, only to realise that all I had to do was follow the jhund, which I did, and voila! It took me straight to that plump, over-hyped matron.

It would be an understatement to say that it was disappointing to finally come face to face with her... more like glass to face, actually. For the Great Lady was enclosed in a special glass case which is supposed to keep her in optimal temperature conditions or something. And she's mobbed. Constantly. Persistently. Mobbed.  Which kind of makes it difficult to figure out whether things overheard in my childhood were actually true or not. One of the most cited reasons for her immense popularity, according to little children who had heard of Da Vinci's genius, lay solely in the artists's ability to paint a spooky woman whose eyes would follow you no matter where in the room you might be. Hah. Wicked...

But, sadly, until I can find a way to break into the Louvre and get her all to myself, I guess I'll never know now, will I? For it's mighty hard to really check out the chick's eyes, what with all the Brads and Benitos and Buntys and Bwunonochakchakas in the world getting in your way, posing one by one in front of the unremarkable glass case. Which, by the way, hasn't done much to improve her health, we hear.

So, while all these years imaginations have run wild to decode the great "Mona Lisa smile", which might have been, perhaps, covering some great angelic secret; an Italian scientist now tells us it was something much less romantic, probably the result of too much pasta in cheese sauce: known commonly as "very high cholesterol". Yes, the lady was suffering from something known as xanthelasma in which little cholesterol bumps start peeping and then popping out from where they've been sneakingly mutating under your skin while you gorge on all those carbs. Not very beatific now, is she? Well, I guess she was just this chubby ol' girl on her way to some serious hypertension and choked arteries.

Come to think about it, that would be me a few years down the line. Paint that, da Vinci!      

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