Saturday, January 30, 2010

Performance anxiety



The buzz was that the Goa government planned to ban bikinis on the beach. No, actually they just want to ban ads that show all those bikini babes on the beach. But what people like me heard was "ban bikinis" and we chose not to read the rest of the story. Hmmm... Now I know that all the libertarians of the world are preparing to get together and frown down those silly people who think that banning bikini ads is going to prevent men from outraging the modesty of immodestly dressed women, or much worse, raping little girls.

Truth be told, to most rational people it would all sound very Talibanesque. What's going on? I mean, it's Goa, not Swat for heaven's sake. Goa beaches, they're our version of the Strip in Vegas -- the strip show to beat all stage shows. One that often inspires crash dieting and frequent trips to the mirror, often in the middle of the night.
It's Goa. The sunny spotlight's on you. Let's see what you've got.

There. Having said all that, I must confess to feeling a much larger than small measure of glee. Yes, glee. Why, you may ask, right before you decide to bring down that studded club over my pretty, medium-sized head. You see, I'm off to Goa next month and have been petrified of the S-word. Swimwear, people. What's wrong with you? Well, er... It's all very well to bundle up during Dilli ki sardi and then glide around wear pretty loose flowing summery robes in pastel colours during the summer looking all pretty and stuff (ahem!) but Goa? That place lays your soul bare. Among other things. So I have been busy building the whole "Oh, I'm not much of a water person" (and you're going to Goa, because...?) and "I'm just going to enjoy the beach from the appropriate distance. I'm shit scared of water, you know. In fact, this one time..." (Oh, we see where you're going with this...you can't fool us, Pudgy!)

So, my most pressing question for the moment is: is it just going to be the ads. And (with hope...) will the ban extend to 'real life'? If so, then will only those obnoxious, skimpy little bikinis be banned or will this monstrous idea extend to maillots, the frock-wala costumes that you get in the Gujju-Maru shops of Mumbai, biking shorts-type Speedos and the like, as well?

I mean, given such a ban, will we finally be united by a truly desi dress code like those people we used to see in the Essel World ads? Or in the ones for Fun 'n' Food Village, which is a Rrrrrrrrrollicking water park-type place on the Jaipur-Gurgaon highway, all ye who haven't been fortunate enough to behold yellow stickers on many many NCR cars -- proud souvenirs of a Sunday well-spent with the extended family and colony wallahs?

So will we all have to then dress like those Auntyjis in all their Mandakini-in-the-Maili-Ganga glory or the we're-all-jolly-good-fellows Unclejis romping about in the shallow end wearing drawstring chaddis with stripes or paisley designs in psychedelic shades? Oh and, not to forget, the dark shades on their mugs too, if only to accessorise the dark, dark, dark, dark, dark (stop!) chest hair, in which gently nestled a gold medallion with religious alphabets or a horrified Hanumanji, dangling solidly at the end of a thick, thick, thick, thick, thick, thick (STOP!!) g-o-l-d chaineeee. But I digress.

So, it seems to me that, if we do get that ban, Goa might go on to resemble the Appu Ghar Water Park, which is good news for all those of you in Delhi & Suburbs who must miss it terribly.

As for me, I guess I can heave a huge sigh of relief and safely pack those demure shorts and loose tees for an unholy dip.

Don't want to break the law now, do we? Nah ji Na...

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